frustrations of a manager

today i had another resignation. every time someone tells me that they are leaving, i feel like it's somehow my fault. an article i once read said, people leave managers, not companies. and sure, i'm not saying i'm the best manager. i have a lot of things that i have to improve on (just ask MY manager). but one thing i pride myself is in taking care of my direct reports. so it somehow pisses me off when someone just leaves without giving me a chance to do something about their issues. i'm not saying that there really is something i can do about it. sometimes, their issues are just beyond my control. but what i am asking for, is for them to give me a chance to do something about it. if i can't change anything then they will have my blessing to leave. at least i got a shot at making them stay. ahhhh... sometimes, it's just frustrating to be in this position. but then again, i guess this is part of the job.

random thoughts on marriage and infidelity

it's been a while since my last post and it's funny to think that a movie can push me to write again.

kakauwi lang namin pagkatapos manood ng "no other woman". yes, tagalog movie. sa mga hindi nakanood (pasensya na sa mga gusto pang manood), ang plot ng story is that ram (derek ramsay) and cha (cristine reyes) are a happily married couple. ram is a furniture designer and cha is a housewife. everything was going great until ram is given a chance to bid to furnish a resort owned by the zalderiaga. ram goes to the resort and meets cara (anne curtis). they flirt, have a fun time in the resort. ram confesses that he is married but cara doesn't care. they have an affair. eventually, cha finds out, confronts cara. ram decides to end things with cara but it's too late and cha leaves ram. mr. zalderiaga also finds out about the affair. ram loses his wife and his business. as if that wasn't enough, he finds himself in an accident after running away from cara who wants to talk to him. he is rushed to the hospital, with cara following him. cara calls cha and eventually apologizes. ram recovers and cha takes him back. cara goes back to new york. whew.

so bakit ako napasulat?

one, bakit ba kasi pumapatol sa taong may asawa? hindi ba malinaw sa mga tao na kapag may asawa na, hands off! anak naman ng pating. hindi ba kasalanan yun sa lahat ng relihiyon? or kahit wala kang relihiyon? ewan ko, ha... pero sa akin kasi, kapag may asawa na (o kahit nga girlfriend pa lang), hindi na dapat pinapatos. hindi ba natatakot ang mga tao sa karma? susko naman. may tanong nga si anne curtis dun sa sine, ano daw ba ang gagawin mo kung yung lalaking mahal mo e may asawa? papatalo ka daw ba? hindi mo daw ba ipaglalaban? ate, wala kang karapatang ipaglaban yun. kung may asawa na yung tao, maghanap ka ng iba. end of story.

two, bakit ba kasi naghahanap ka pa ng iba kung meron ka na? partida na nga dito, si cristine reyes na ang asawa mo. sige, granted na ang other choice is anne curtis. pero di ka talaga makuntento, kuya? sabi ko nga, partida na yan. e paano kung di ka ganun kaganda or ka-sexy? anak ng pating (ulet). hindi ibig sabihin kapag tumanda, nagmukhang losyang o nangamoy mantika ang asawa mo (yes, sabi nila nangyayari yan), may karapatan ka nang palitan siya. hindi yan isang bagay na may warranty na kung masira, pwede mong palitan. touch move yan, noh. kapag nag-"i do" ka, yan na yun.

three, kung may asawa ka at nangaliwa ka, hindi nadadaan lang sa sorry yun. ok ka lang? hihirit ka pa ng, "i don't want to lose you"??? e tanga ka pala, e. ayaw mo pala siyang mawala e bakit ka nangaliwa? sarap mong batukan, kuya. di sa lahat ng bagay, pwedeng may take two, ok?

may nagsabi na sa akin na di ko daw alam ang pinagsasasabi ko since di pa daw ako na-involve sa isang relationship. fine. pero kailangan pa bang magkaroon ka ng boyfriend, girlfriend or asawa para masabi kung ano ang tama at ano ang mali? please lang, wag mong sabihing tama ang mga bagay kapag in love ka. di naman mali na sundin ang puso. pero sana kasi minsan, pinapairal din ang utak. di naman kasi tayo ginawang tanga ni Lord.

small talk

ang hirap talaga mag-small talk. i guess, i'm more of a listener than a talker. nag-lunch kami kanina at kelangan ko talagang bumibo mag-isip ng mga topics para may mapag-usapan kami. kasi mga kasama namin is mga bossing ng client sa project and mahirap naman na di namin sila kausapin. kaya nga bilib na bilib ako sa mga tao na magaling makipag-usap... na nakakahanap ng topics na pwede mapag-usapan kahit na first time nila mag-meet. sabi ko nga sa mga teammates ko, buti na lang at ngayon lang ito kasi naubos ko na ata ang small talk ko for the day, wala na akong sasabihin for tomorrow. hahahaha... :D

stop right now

i've been trying to wean myself of something. it seems that i'm either a baby or an addict. or maybe a little bit of both. i've had a few slip ups and i've been scolding myself for all of those instances. i'm just hoping that in time, it'll be easier and i'll get rid of this habit eventually.

in the mean time, i have to go through the pains of it.

ay ewan

nakaka-dismayang isipin na merong mga tao na kayang ipagpalit ang tama dahil lang sa pera. i don't want to seem holier-than-thou and i may be clueless to their reasons or i just never went through what they're undergoing. i may be too sheltered or protected in my life to understand. and i can't meld the idea that someone who's supposed to know better and you're supposed to look up to would be the one to do that. hay... di ko talaga maintindihan. o baka ayaw ko lang siyang intindihin.

my "oks moment"

me: hey! i just wanted to say goodbye. will be leaving for france soon. see you when i get back. :)

him: bye bye

ummm... what? well, goodbye then.

(mark, may tatalo na sa iyo)

the candle burned out

i think i may have been working too hard.

i had a minor breakdown today. i was feeling the pressure of having to finish the RFP that we needed to submit, the setups that i needed to finish for an initiative that i didn't want to get involved in and the requirements we needed to have our changes moved to production. i tried to look for a room to go to just to have a break but i could not find one. i went back to my seat and put my head on my desk. i was just feeling soooo tired. then someone patted my back asking if i was ok. and that's when i started to cry. i think all the stress and pressure finally caught up with me. i was hoping i could stop crying and pretend that nothing bad happened but the tears just kept on coming. i went to the ladies room to release all the tension.

darn. this is not how i wanted things to go. i think i need to rethink my priorities.

numb and helpless

today is not a very good day. the year really is not starting too well for me. but this time it's not about me. i am just part of the story.

i think i'm still in shock. i'm not feeling too much. and i am not thinking either. i might have gone numb. or forced myself to go numb without actually meaning to. is this my way of coping with things? i might be tucking all these in the pockets of my mind to be stored away and then dealt with when i already can. maybe i need a shrink. hahaha!

some things do really come up when you least expect them. and to the most unexpected people, no less! i still can't understand how this all happened. well technically, i know how it happened but still...

it's a difficult time but again, i'm just a mere part of the story. if this was turned into a movie, i'm probably be supporting the supporting cast. so i can just imagine how hard it is for all the main players. and really, i don't have much control about the situation. i'm leaving it all up to Him now.

dang! this helpless thing is not really my cup of tea. i hate it when it happens.

new year rantings

ok, so it's not the best way to start the year... hell, it's a crappy way to start the year but it has started and i really did not have any control on how it turned out. the thing is, what happened today probably woke me up from this dream state that i am in. yeah, in-your-face-wake-up-because-you're-in-dreamland thing. it sucks but they always said that the truth hurts. serves me right.

so what am i to do? move on, dammit! i'm too old to go through another kawawa-naman-ako stage. i've been indulging too much on self pity and although i said that i won't be having any new year's resolution, this should probably be on my list.

yeah, happy new year to me.

the battle i fight within

self-pity is a battle i try to get through. although at times i try to act as if i am this confident woman-of-the-world who has come to terms with who she is, there are still instances when my insecurities come rising to the surface. even though i can probably hide it from the rest of the world, i can't fake it deep inside. and it wears me down.

i'll be ok. i know i'll be. this is just a bump in the road, something that has made me stumble but then i'll get on with my life. it's nobody's fault but mine anyway.

i don't want to be cynical. really. i want to look at life and still see the beauty in it. i want to look at the future and be excited and know that good things are in store for me. i need to believe that. and maybe that will get me through this.

ugh!

i hate it when people cancel at the last minute. i even cited this as my pet peeve. siguro kasalanan ko din dahil pina-plano ko ang takbo ng buhay ko sa iba. so when they change plans, i am left hanging. no worries, i'll try to make sure this is the last time this rattles me. next time, i'll make sure that i think of myself first.

rainy days and wednesdays

this morning, my manager sent me a text message saying that we can work from home today if we will find it hard to go to the office as long as it does not affect our work. ummm.. i had no choice but to go to ortigas because i left my laptop in my trolley. so i forwarded her message to the rest of the team and went on my way.

the traffic was slow from sucat to bicutan and somewhere past that. by the time we got to nichols, the traffic was at a standstill! i left our house at 930 am and i was at nichols at 1230 pm! the bus driver was telling us that walking would be faster but i was apprehensive to walk from nichols to magallanes even though it was not raining at that point. by 1 pm, i decided to take his advise and got off the bus. yes po, naglakad po ako sa south luzon expressway. the other passengers seemed to know what they were doing so i just followed them. i walked from nichols to the fort bonifacio gate and took a jeep going to guadalupe. things were becoming better until we were about to disembark and then heavy rain fell. my shoes were soaked and my clothes were wet! it was really not my day.

i brought my laptop home today. i want to be sure to be able to work from home just in case this happens again. i am not about to do this twice in a row!