one vote

i have been voting since i was 18. my catholic high school upbringing has not just taught me how to be a good person (which i hope i am) but also to be involved and not be apathetic. getting into UP diliman cemented that. unfortunately, in all these instances, the candidate i've voted for did not become the president.

1992 - fidel ramos / miriam defensor-santiago (i voted for jovito salonga)
1998 - joseph estrada / jose de venecia (i voted for raul roco)
2004 - gloria macapagal-arroyo / fernando poe jr. (i again voted for raul roco)
2010 - noynoy aquino / joseph estrada (i voted for dick gordon)

i don't really know why but i feel like this is the most important election i have ever been a part of. and i am probably more relieved now than i was back in 2004. i cannot believe that in spite of everything, erap is still second to noynoy. good thing he didn't win because i might've lost all faith in the filipino people if he did.

i don't think noynoy would be the best president (that's why i didn't vote for him). i think there are a lot of more qualified candidates. however, i believe in his love for the country and the name that he needs to uphold. i do hope he fulfills his promises and eventually becomes the bridge for us to get to where we need to be.

fail.

have you ever felt so down that it seems that you are stuck, wallowing in your sadness while the rest of the world goes on? i feel that way today. i feel like a total and utter failure. i keep on looking back and thinking, if i had done things differently, if i had made a different decision, would things have worked out for the better?

i went home trying to get some answers, trying to get some assurance that i did everything but i don't think it matters right now. the end result is still the same.

i admit that i am not the best in my role right now, i still have a lot to learn. i feel like i need to be at a certain point and know certain things but i still don't. but i keep thinking that's fine, as long as i feel i am doing right by the people i work for --- for my team. but today, i feel that i failed them, that i failed myself. and i don't know how to change things right now. and i feel like a total and utter failure.

maybe one day i'll get the hang of it and maybe i'll get it right next time. i just hope i have enough time on my hands to do that.