random thoughts on marriage and infidelity

it's been a while since my last post and it's funny to think that a movie can push me to write again.

kakauwi lang namin pagkatapos manood ng "no other woman". yes, tagalog movie. sa mga hindi nakanood (pasensya na sa mga gusto pang manood), ang plot ng story is that ram (derek ramsay) and cha (cristine reyes) are a happily married couple. ram is a furniture designer and cha is a housewife. everything was going great until ram is given a chance to bid to furnish a resort owned by the zalderiaga. ram goes to the resort and meets cara (anne curtis). they flirt, have a fun time in the resort. ram confesses that he is married but cara doesn't care. they have an affair. eventually, cha finds out, confronts cara. ram decides to end things with cara but it's too late and cha leaves ram. mr. zalderiaga also finds out about the affair. ram loses his wife and his business. as if that wasn't enough, he finds himself in an accident after running away from cara who wants to talk to him. he is rushed to the hospital, with cara following him. cara calls cha and eventually apologizes. ram recovers and cha takes him back. cara goes back to new york. whew.

so bakit ako napasulat?

one, bakit ba kasi pumapatol sa taong may asawa? hindi ba malinaw sa mga tao na kapag may asawa na, hands off! anak naman ng pating. hindi ba kasalanan yun sa lahat ng relihiyon? or kahit wala kang relihiyon? ewan ko, ha... pero sa akin kasi, kapag may asawa na (o kahit nga girlfriend pa lang), hindi na dapat pinapatos. hindi ba natatakot ang mga tao sa karma? susko naman. may tanong nga si anne curtis dun sa sine, ano daw ba ang gagawin mo kung yung lalaking mahal mo e may asawa? papatalo ka daw ba? hindi mo daw ba ipaglalaban? ate, wala kang karapatang ipaglaban yun. kung may asawa na yung tao, maghanap ka ng iba. end of story.

two, bakit ba kasi naghahanap ka pa ng iba kung meron ka na? partida na nga dito, si cristine reyes na ang asawa mo. sige, granted na ang other choice is anne curtis. pero di ka talaga makuntento, kuya? sabi ko nga, partida na yan. e paano kung di ka ganun kaganda or ka-sexy? anak ng pating (ulet). hindi ibig sabihin kapag tumanda, nagmukhang losyang o nangamoy mantika ang asawa mo (yes, sabi nila nangyayari yan), may karapatan ka nang palitan siya. hindi yan isang bagay na may warranty na kung masira, pwede mong palitan. touch move yan, noh. kapag nag-"i do" ka, yan na yun.

three, kung may asawa ka at nangaliwa ka, hindi nadadaan lang sa sorry yun. ok ka lang? hihirit ka pa ng, "i don't want to lose you"??? e tanga ka pala, e. ayaw mo pala siyang mawala e bakit ka nangaliwa? sarap mong batukan, kuya. di sa lahat ng bagay, pwedeng may take two, ok?

may nagsabi na sa akin na di ko daw alam ang pinagsasasabi ko since di pa daw ako na-involve sa isang relationship. fine. pero kailangan pa bang magkaroon ka ng boyfriend, girlfriend or asawa para masabi kung ano ang tama at ano ang mali? please lang, wag mong sabihing tama ang mga bagay kapag in love ka. di naman mali na sundin ang puso. pero sana kasi minsan, pinapairal din ang utak. di naman kasi tayo ginawang tanga ni Lord.

one vote

i have been voting since i was 18. my catholic high school upbringing has not just taught me how to be a good person (which i hope i am) but also to be involved and not be apathetic. getting into UP diliman cemented that. unfortunately, in all these instances, the candidate i've voted for did not become the president.

1992 - fidel ramos / miriam defensor-santiago (i voted for jovito salonga)
1998 - joseph estrada / jose de venecia (i voted for raul roco)
2004 - gloria macapagal-arroyo / fernando poe jr. (i again voted for raul roco)
2010 - noynoy aquino / joseph estrada (i voted for dick gordon)

i don't really know why but i feel like this is the most important election i have ever been a part of. and i am probably more relieved now than i was back in 2004. i cannot believe that in spite of everything, erap is still second to noynoy. good thing he didn't win because i might've lost all faith in the filipino people if he did.

i don't think noynoy would be the best president (that's why i didn't vote for him). i think there are a lot of more qualified candidates. however, i believe in his love for the country and the name that he needs to uphold. i do hope he fulfills his promises and eventually becomes the bridge for us to get to where we need to be.

fail.

have you ever felt so down that it seems that you are stuck, wallowing in your sadness while the rest of the world goes on? i feel that way today. i feel like a total and utter failure. i keep on looking back and thinking, if i had done things differently, if i had made a different decision, would things have worked out for the better?

i went home trying to get some answers, trying to get some assurance that i did everything but i don't think it matters right now. the end result is still the same.

i admit that i am not the best in my role right now, i still have a lot to learn. i feel like i need to be at a certain point and know certain things but i still don't. but i keep thinking that's fine, as long as i feel i am doing right by the people i work for --- for my team. but today, i feel that i failed them, that i failed myself. and i don't know how to change things right now. and i feel like a total and utter failure.

maybe one day i'll get the hang of it and maybe i'll get it right next time. i just hope i have enough time on my hands to do that.

still not moving on

they say you have to forgive and forget.

i know i've blogged about this before. but when someone you love betrays you, it's hard to forgive... or even forget. sometimes, i feel it's better not to think about it so that i won't feel the hurt. because everytime i remember what happened, i can't help but shed some tears. even if i am just hearing a song that reminds me of that person, my heart feels like it's being squeezed so tightly. so i push it aside, away from my thoughts, so that i won't have to go through my day feeling so down. sometimes i think that maybe this is all a dream and when i wake up, things will go back to the way they were. but this is the bitter reality, the bitter truth. and as much as i wish that it were not true, it is.

goodbyes

as the final day draws near, my heart constricts. my heart is getting heavier everyday and might burst at the seams when the day finally arrives. but i also understand that it's something that needs to happen and i have no control over it. even if i do, i would not want to influence it as the decision is not mine to take. what is supposed to happen will.

moving on

di naman ako inggitera. di din naman ako ambisyosa. pero minsan, parang feeling ko, napag-iiwanan na ako. di naman ata siya dahil sa lack of effort. sure, di ako bibo, aminado naman ako. pero sa tingin ko naman, i have also something to offer. so isip ko, baka di ko na makikita kung ano ang hinahanap ko kung nasaan ako ngayon. i might need to be more open to other opportunities and possibilities and go out of my comfort zone. i might have been getting too comfortable where i am kaya eto ang nangyari.

small talk

ang hirap talaga mag-small talk. i guess, i'm more of a listener than a talker. nag-lunch kami kanina at kelangan ko talagang bumibo mag-isip ng mga topics para may mapag-usapan kami. kasi mga kasama namin is mga bossing ng client sa project and mahirap naman na di namin sila kausapin. kaya nga bilib na bilib ako sa mga tao na magaling makipag-usap... na nakakahanap ng topics na pwede mapag-usapan kahit na first time nila mag-meet. sabi ko nga sa mga teammates ko, buti na lang at ngayon lang ito kasi naubos ko na ata ang small talk ko for the day, wala na akong sasabihin for tomorrow. hahahaha... :D

the year that was

isang taon na pala since my last post. so obviously, hindi ako naging masipag mag-post last year. di ko na rin tuloy matandaan ang mga nangyari. buti na lang may facebook:

ginia and sam got married... met with joel before he and his family went to new zealand... jeddah cutover... boracay getaway with mark, aj and rogel... three week vacation after six years... we finally have cable tv!!!... bicol escapade with tsongers kahit na inulan kami ng todo... lunch and coffee with college barkada... palawan outing with nessy, chean, rogel, mark and arthur, my first time in palawan... yuan's first birthday... cory aquino's death.... caitlyn's first birthday... martha's birthday, celebrated with the tsongers... PD gets divided, sad... kaze frontlining for parokya, went with mayel, karla and prijm... first time in princeton... meet up with college barkada... back to princeton... road trip to atlantic city with KL... met new friends in princeton... pacquiao wins against cotto, watched at tita olga's sister's place... statue of liberty for the first time, got lost!... thanksgiving with the marasigans for the third time... thanksgiving weekend shopping... MMCS christmas party at mark's place... SAP christmas party at blue leaf... tsongers' christmas party at the bulates... christmas outreach with viajeros... alec leon is born, congrats, alice and noel!... christmas with the marasigans... ate mayel leaves for new york... back in NJ for cutover with stip, beng and micko... meet up with doms and ronram in NYC... times square for the new year!

marami din naman palang nangyari. hopefully i can keep a better track of things that are happening to me via this blog this year.

stop right now

i've been trying to wean myself of something. it seems that i'm either a baby or an addict. or maybe a little bit of both. i've had a few slip ups and i've been scolding myself for all of those instances. i'm just hoping that in time, it'll be easier and i'll get rid of this habit eventually.

in the mean time, i have to go through the pains of it.

starting the year

start of the year. and really, i haven't done much retrospective thinking or any planning for the future. it might be because i am still in vacation mode and i don't want to do a lot of thinking these days. also because these days, thinking makes me reason and sometimes, it really doesn't help my state of being.

i was looking at my previous posts just to give me an insight on what happened last year. i've been remiss in my writing in this blog. i guess my problem is that i procrastinate a lot of times and then everything balloons up. instead of starting with the writing, i just don't write. period. i know it does not make sense but that was what i kept on doing. hopefully, i won't be doing that this year. (is that a resolution?)

this time last year, i was having the same shitty feeling. and nothing could put things into perspective than seeing it in black and white. makes me wonder how i got so... stupid. but i made an ultimatum and i'm sticking to it. so that goodbye really is final. (God help me if i back out of this again).

2008 was a year of challenges for me. ang dami kong trials when it came to work. it was my first time to lead an RTCIS project. halos duguin ako sa mga projects na hinawakan ko. i know i still have a lot to learn on being a project manager. and i am hoping that my experiences have taught me to be a better PM. i helped in creating an RFP. ang hirap din niya, especially when it has to be done immediately and of course, knowing what depends on what you produce. i am still awed by how good some of my teammates are. sometimes i wish i was that good as well. but most of the time, i am just proud of them. it was my first time to go outside of the account this year, too. it was my first glimpse on how true consulting work is. ang hirap din pala niya. it was a good experience, though. and that's not even couting the fact that because of it, i was able to go to france, italy and monaco. it's also my first time to lead a project out of emea. the nice thing about that is, i was recommended by our client manager to do the job. nakakataba rin ng puso knowing that people believe in what you can do. because of this, i was able to go to madrid and meet a lot of wonderful people.

on the personal side, i don't think i've progressed much. i went out with a couple of people, mostly for coffee. with one, i realized that there's no point in holding on to the ideas i had in the past when we've obviously changed a lot after 10 years. with the other, i realized that there's no point in holding on to possibilities of the future. karla was civilly married this year. unfortunately, i was not in the philippines for it. she gave birth to yuan patrick, an amazingly wonderful baby. thankfully, i was here for that one. yuan would always smile and make adorable sounds, you cannot help but fall in love with him. our family went to boracay for a vacation and to celebrate ate tetet and kuya weng's anniversary. it was a first for our family and we had loads of fun (especially during our foodtrips!). a couple of my friends and colleagues got married this year, too --- rolan and krizel, roland and lu, jay and ninay, myn and lloyd. i've also made contact with some friends from long ago (thanks in part to facebook... hehehe!)

overall, it's been a good year. a lot of challenges but a lot of blessings too. i am hoping that 2009 will be a better year for me, though. :)