d-day

tomorrow will be the day wherein all the effort and hard work that we've put in for the last year will be measured. i'm crossing my fingers that everything we've done will finally pay off. cross your fingers, too.

plastik

naiirita ako.

ayoko sa mga taong fake. naiinis ako kapag may sinasabi kang iba sa akin at baligtad ang sinasabi mo sa iba. madali naman akong kausap, e. hindi ba nakisama naman ako sa inyo ng maayos? wala naman kayong narinig sa akin, diba? pero naiinis ako kapag pinagmumukha mo akong tanga. kasi pare, sabi nga nila, walang lihim na hindi nabubunyag. sana na lang next time, panindigan nyo ang sinasabi niyo. o kung hindi nyo kayang panindigan, wag na lang kayong magsalita. mas mabuti pa siguro kung ganun.

pasensyahan na lang tayo. susunod pa rin ako sa usapan natin kahit na hindi nyo ginawa. wala akong balak na maging katulad nyo. yun nga lang, wag nyo nang asahang magkaibigan pa tayo. wala akong kaibigang plastik.

(lack of) lovelife

the conversation started last friday, as we were stuffing ourselves with montgomery inn ribs:

(conversation below is non-verbatim)

ameya: are you still living at your parents' house?
me and ria: yes.
me: it's normal for single people in the philippines to live in their parents' house until they get married.
me again: but if ever i am still single by the time i am 40 (knocking on wood), i would want to be living on my own.
ameya (laughing): you SHOULD be married by then.
me: well, if it happens, then sure. but i am not getting married just for the sake of it.

yes, i do want to get married and have a family. but if it does not happen, then i am not about to force it. i even told my mom once before that if ever she thinks i am marrying out of desperation, she'd have to do everything to convince me out of it. see, she has a friend who did this and is now experiencing loads of marital problems. if couples who were once head-over-heels in love with each other find themselves in that situation, what more for two people who were not in love to begin with?

ameya asked me why don't i try dating sites, a lot of which are available here. i told him i don't want to "force" having a boyfriend. if i was meant to meet him, then i don't have to go finding him. couples have met and fallen in love long before the internet was born. i have nothing against people who have used this means to find their partners. i just don't think this is the right way for me.

this has even become the subject of jokes in my family. my sisters have jokingly told me that they're going to take it upon themselves to find me a boyfriend. my dad even teased me that all i need is to point and he'll kidnap the guy for me.

i don't know what the future holds. i am still hoping that what i want for myself is in line with what God has planned for me. i am hoping that we just have different timelines. but if ever it's not, i am just hoping that i will be strong, open and mature enough to accept it. or maybe, my dad has to kidnap my future husband, after all.

torn

a lot of people say that the best relationships start out from friendship. i agree. but when you're somehow stuck in limbo between being friends and being romantically involved, it sucks. for a guy, you would feel your way through, not knowing if pursuing the relationship would ruin your friendship or bring you to the next level. and when you're a girl (at least in our part of the world), you would wait. and if you're anything like me, you would think. a lot. does he like me? is this just me? are his actions his way of saying he likes me or that we're good friends? and somehow you're teetering between enjoying that "high" you experience when you're together and keeping your feelings in check. your logical and emotional selves are battling and you're praying that somehow, he saves you from it. you want to know where you stand and where you're headed from this point onwards. but you're hoping that wherever it is you're going, you won't get hurt.

so what do you do when you're in that limbo? do you step back and distance yourself with the chance that you're letting go of something that might be special? or do you hold on to that glimmer of hope, however faint, with the risk that you will get hurt?

i, for one, have no answers. these are questions i, myself, ask. all i know is that love poses both great rewards and immense pain. nobody said it was easy but nonetheless, it's a path everyone would like to take whether we admit to it or not.

"...and if i could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster?..."

- kelly clarkson / beautiful disaster / breakaway

i feel like cinderella

i have new shoes!!!



this is probably the first time i have gushed over shoes but really, i loooove them!!!

we went to dillard's after lisa told us about the sale that they have. she said they had stuff for 75% off and sure enough, they did! i was able to get this pair within five minutes of looking through the racks. if you knew how difficult it is for me to find shoes, you'll understand why i am still rejoicing. the best thing about them is that they feel so comfortable. i can stand and walk in them all day even if the heels are... 3 1/2 inches! i'd be so tall wearing them! :)

love it, love it, love it!!!

take it off

three months. that is the time that i have to be able to lose weight.
three days. that is the time that i have spent in my "weight loss program".

yes, people, i am trying to lose weight. i have never openly admitted it although i have jokingly said it multiple times. i know i won't be able to reach the weight i want by the time i want it but i am hoping i will be well on my way by then.

it has always been hard for me to lose the pounds. from the time i was a baby to adolescence and up to now, my body has remained one shape --- round. i am hoping to reach the point where i am happy with the way i look. i know i'll never have the lithe physique of my sisters because i never ever was thin. but that's okay. i'm not shooting for the stars anyway.

so why the change? why declare it all of a sudden?

well, hopefully this will help me stick to my goals, like a new year's resolution. but it's not for the new year now. just for a new me. :)

inspirational

backlogged

the problem with not putting into words everything you want to at the exact moment it happens is that you tend to postpone writing about the succeeding events that happen in your life as well. i have so much to blog about but since i was not able to write about one thing, i am now overwhelmed and don't know where to begin.