i should start screaming

i cry when i am pissed. it's probably the way my body releases the pent up negative energy that i try to keep bottled up. sometimes, i even try not to cry. although, i very seldom succeed in doing that.

obviously, i am not a confrontational person. as much as i can, i try not to stir up arguments eventhough sometimes it's the right way, or even the only way to go. i guess i've always seen confrontations as a point of no return. once you've said something, you cannot take it back. and the scars that the argument leaves tarnishes the relationship you have.

i know, i know... arguments are a part of any relationship. i just never got used to it. even when i was young, i would often just cry in a corner and never speak up. i am very outspoken when it comes to my opinions as long as they are never directed to someone.

my aunt has said, too many times before, that the probable reason why our maternal grandmother suffered from alzheimer's is that she kept her feelings bottled inside and thought too much. so now i am wondering... in the distant future, will i walk the same path as her?

back home

yes, you can blame it on my overactive imagination.

i was waiting with pearly in chubby china when eden called to tell me they were lost. i told them to just stay where they are and that i was coming over to get them all the while thinking if my guess was right. i was half expecting to see her boyfriend with her when... mommy bhing comes out from behind the plants! i was so happy and excited to see mommy bhing, i couldn't help but squeal! :)

welcome home, mommy!

anticipation

i'll be seeing my friends from my old company in a few minutes and i am very much excited. first off, art and pearls will be formally announcing their wedding plans to the group. i am still working on my surprise which actually caused me to sleep at 1:30 in the morning today. but all is well... i really did not care about the lack of sleep because i'm sooo used to it anyway. second, eden is announcing something. my first thought was she's going to be introducing her boyfriend to the group but this is always my first thought when a friend wants to "announce something". then other thoughts came into my mind that got me doubting my initial hunch. but then i got to talk to her for a while in ym that had me thinking that she's indeed going to introduce someone. she even said i'd be happy about it. hmmm... new thoughts coming to my over-active imagination. and then i got to read her latest post... and... OH MY GOOOOD!!! is that it??? woooohoooo!!! :)

on crushes

we were in one of our breaktime moods yesterday when the topic of relationships came to the picture. sarah and sol, both asked me at one point what i wanted in a guy. well, if they told me i could go on and on with my list and they had the whole afternoon to listen then maybe i would've told them. but the truth is, i never had a "type". i mean, my crushes did not come from the same mold. i actually think they are very diverse. in retrospect though, i think the one thing they had in common was that i had a very easy time talking to them. i told sol and sarah that i didn't want to be working too hard to keep a conversation with a person --- like knowing the latest technology or needing to read the newspaper everyday to keep up with the current events. nor do i like someone who is dimwitted. and all of my past crushes were somewhere in between.

in the middle of our conversation, i told them that i was over the period wherein i was feeling sorry for myself not having a boyfriend. admittedly, i sometimes think about it once in a while, wondering if and when that person will come into my life but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. the thought lingers in my mind for a second or two and goes flitting to something else.

i even miss having a crush. that giddy, heady feeling you have when you see that person or when he smiles at you or even when you just think of him in the middle of the day. i don't have that now. and truthfully, i sometimes wish i had a crush on somebody in the office --- so i'd get inspired to go to work everyday. hehehehe! :)

in memoriam --- karol jozef wojtyla

if there was ever a time that i would want to be very good in expressing what i have in mind, that would be now. i so want to be able to create something that is befitting this great great man, a person who has been an true inspiration and spiritual leader. but even if i do come up with something quite extraordinary (which i doubt), it would still not be enough to honor him. the only thing i am sure of is that every word here comes from my heart...

the only time i ever got to see him in person was in 1995, when he came to the philippines for the tenth world youth day. and that is a memory i will cherish for life.

pope john paul II was the only pope i knew. and though i never got the chance to be near him, he has always been an inspiration to me. i realize that now. i believe he has had a profound impact on the lives of many many people, not just catholics.

i could not even begin to express the sorrow that i felt when i learned that he passed away. i knew at the back of my mind that this day would surely come. i just didn't realize that it would come so soon.

the night before he died, i said a prayer. i think it is one of the most heartfelt and sincerest prayers that i have ever said. i asked the Lord to make him well. i asked the Lord to give him strength. but after a while, my prayer changed.

"Your will be done."

as i was walking home a couple of days back, i said a prayer to the pope --- believing that he is in heaven with the Lord. i asked him to guide the cardinals that would choose his successor, that whoever they choose would be worthy. i asked him to intercede for us and pray not just for our country, but for the whole world. i asked him to look after us and that i know this would be an easy task for him as he has been doing this for a long time already.

even as i write this, i have to stop myself from crying with the sense of loss that i feel. but i also believe that the reason that this is so is because he has already done his life mission. and that is why he has been called back to be with God once again.

goodbye, pope john paul II. we love you! you will forever be in our hearts.