how can i fall?

i was listening to the music i had i my laptop when this song played. when i intently listened to the lyrics, it really had me thinking. and hoping. hoping that this song won't ever be sung with me in mind.

"...now i hold this line
i know the choice to leave is mine
i can't help what i feel inside
what more can i say?
how can i fall
if you just won't give me reasons at all?..."

i wish i could send this to you

dear you,

hello! kamusta ka na? i hope everything is going well at your end. it's been quite a while since we last talked. your birthday, if i am not mistaken. well, that is, if i don't count the brief talk we had before i left.

so why am i writing? i am trying to think of ways to understand the situation we are in. i know we're friends. i mean, at least that is what i think we are given the history that we have. we've spent a good two years together but after that, we simply drifted apart. probably because we didn't really see each other and no one made a conscious effort to contact the other person. we moved on with our lives and we didn't really care to include one another. it saddens me when i look back at the close friendship we had then and then see what we have now. i don't even know anything that's going on in your life whereas before, i practically knew everything.

i know it takes a lot of effort to have what we had back then especially since we are miles apart. kung dati ngang nasa iisang lugar lang tayo, hindi tayo nagkikita at nag-uusap, ngayon pang nasa magkabilang dulo tayo ng mundo. but don't great relationships also take much effort? it might probably not even go back to the way things were but i, at least, want to give it a shot. i miss the friendship we had.

i don't mean to sound so melodramatic but you know me, the constant drama queen. :) take care of yourself.

your friend for always,
me

heavenly scents

it's the semi-annual sale of bath and body works. LU told me yesterday that today is the last day of the sale and so naturally, i needed to go. :) it took me more than an hour to go through a very small store. i wanted to buy everything! but of course, i didn't have the means to buy all that i wanted. nevertheless, i still spent more than what i planned to. the funny thing is, i was not the least bit guilty splurging this time.

over the internet

i received a message in my friendster account from a guy i don't know. he was asking if i wanted to chat and if i did, he wanted to get my messenger id. i am thinking it must be because we were both located in cincinnati or because he used to work for my previous company as well (or at least, that's what was written in his profile). multiple times i have written a response but ended up not sending those at all. the truth is, i am tempted to give him my yahoo id. it's possible that i may actually find a friend here that is not at all connected to my work. however, the paranoid side of me is the more powerful voice inside my head. since we don't have a common friend, it's much more difficult for me to throw caution to the wind. so how do you actually reconcile trusting people and being cautious? it's kind of sad to realize that because of the state of the world we live in, sometimes making friends is harder than it seems to be.

golden globes

i have just finished watching the golden globes. note that this is the first time ever i got to watch it in all of its 63 years. i was never the fan of hollywood award shows like rose and pogs are, although i think they're more into the oscars than the golden globes. but many say that the golden globes is almost a preview of the academy awards, most often than not, the golden globe winners are also the oscar winners.

some of my comments on the awards...
1. too many people were wearing black. i don't know if my fashionista friends would agree with me on this since it's common knowledge that black is the elegant color when it comes to evening gowns. but i guess i would like more color and variety with what people wear on the red carpet. it's more fun that way.

2. kudos to mary louise parker for winning the best lead actress for a tv comedy/musical for weeds. i've never watched the series yet but the mere fact that she was able to beat out the four actresses from desperate housewives (felicity huffman, teri hatcher, marcia cross and eva longoria), which is probably the biggest and most popular series right now is no mean feat. speaking of felicity huffman, she won the best lead actress for a movie drama so she didn't go home empty handed. it was great seeing her desperate housewives co-stars being so happy for her. even when they were being announced as nominees, you could see that there was no competition among them. you can see that they're really friends and they're not just sitting together because they balong to one tv show. so relationship-wise, i think this is so much better than what they had in sex and the city.

3. i so wanted wentworth miller (prison break) to win the best lead actor in a tv drama, with patrick dempsey coming in second. wentworth miller is soooo cute! i first took notice of him when i saw him in 24 as kim bauer's (elisha cutberth) boyfriend and jack bauer's (kiefer sutherland) partner. unfortunately, neither of them got the award.

4. joaquin phoenix and reese witherspoon both won for walk the line which is expected. i so wanted johnny depp to win for charlie and the chocolate factory. he takes on exceptional roles and always excels! not to mention good-looking. although, i don't think you can say that in this film. i was happy that reese witherspoon won although i wouldn't have minded it if judi dench or sarah jessica parker won.

5. i also wanted heath ledger to win best actor for a motion picture (drama) since i have been a fan since 10 things i hate about you and a knight's tale. unfortunately, he didn't bring home the award.

6. kate beckinsale was not nominated for anything but she might as well be... for best dressed! she looked exceptional in her white gown. my best dressed list also includes zhang ziyi, renee zelleweger and the desperate housewives women. (i didn't watch the pre-show so i didn't see what the other women were wearing.)

i hope the actors and actresses i am rooting for would fare better at the oscars. who knows?

birthday greetings

happy birthday, kuya aljo!

wish i was there to celebrate it with you.

just a thought

i was attending mass a while ago. it was usual for me to pray for my family, friends and all my loved ones but today, i especially thought of mom, franco and sofia. i said a special prayer for mom because my sister said she wasn't feeling well the past few days and may even be confined (hopefully not). the prayer for sofia and franco was just to have God keep them safe and that they would not forget who i am. i know it's a bit stupid considering that franco's just 2 and sofia is a mere 3 months old.

anyway, it got me thinking. if i would continue working in a foreign country, how would i build a relationship with my niece and nephew? it would be different if i left when they're all grown up and i've been there through most of their life. but if you're away when they're just growing up, it would be very difficult to have any strong relationship if they only see you once a year. makes me wonder if this ever occurred to my aunts and uncles who decided to migrate here in the united states. it may be a different case simply because they have their own families with them.

working in a foreign country would, most of the time, give you financial fulfillment. but it just makes me wonder, does it come at a price too high?

leaving home once again

in new york airport, waiting for my flight back to cincinnati.

time flew when i was in manila. my stay home seemed to short and i felt like i did not have enough time to do everything i needed to do. i was not able to see the dentist and a dermatologist. i was not able to see my college friends. i was not able to stay long enough to see everybody off before i left myself. i knew this day would come but i somehow was not prepared for it.

the day i left, my family had lunch at las paellas in bf. we somehow knew we were going to do something together that day being my last one in manila for the time being but we didn't have any actual plans. somehow everybody was able to make it, cancelling lunch with the in-laws and postponing band practices. after lunch, we bought coffee at starbucks and had tita pilar's chocolate cake for dessert at home. it was not that big a deal except that i was leaving and suprisingly, i was sad to go. sadder than i was the first time. and i was not really sure why.

i will be gone for about six months. i wouldn't see my family, friends and relatives. we would again resort to emails and the occasional phone calls. when i get back, i won't know a lot of people in the office with the number of new people they were hiring. there might even be some friends gone. when i get back, i have missed a lot of lunches and dinners with friends and family. when i get back, my nephew and niece would probably not recognize me. when i get back, a lot of things would have happened and i was not there to share it with my loved ones.

it's always hard leaving home. somehow, this time, it's harder than usual.

no more butterflies

i saw him today. him. the guy i have thought for the longest time may be the one i end up being with. my what-might-have-been guy.

but my heart did not flutter this time. it remained in its steady rhythm. i was finally over him.

the trouble we had to endure

a lot of things have happened since my last post. first off, i am now in the philippines. flew back last december 15 to spend christmas with my family. lu and i left the apartments that were our homes for the past three months with bags heaped with pasalubongs and padalas. roland was kind enough to accompany us to the airport. we left on a convoy passing by the gas station first to refill our tanks. but because of the stoplights, the convoy was gone soon. me being the last of the three cars was the one left behind first. i was a bit nervous eventhough i had a very good idea of how to get to the airport. without a cellphone at hand, i could not ask my companions to wait for me and so i drove on. i caught up with roland soon. but since i was in the fast lane, i had to go ahead of him --- that is, as soon as he mouthed "airport" to me.

i arrived at the avis rental area without too much of a hitch. that is, until i was waiting for more than 15 minutes without my companions showing up. good thing the avis attendants were nice enough to contact roland on his cellphone. they were already at the terminal! i rushed off to the shuttle going to the check-in counters. but that confusion was actually just the start of a very stess-filled trip back home.

we checked in at the united airlines counter. after quite a wait, we were informed that all flights going to chicago are delayed. this was a major dilemma since we only had 50 minutes between our cincinnati-chicago and chicago-los angeles flight! the next flight out of chicago would not arrive in time for us to board the los angeles-singapore leg and we would not be able to go home at all because there were no available seats in the flight going to manila! after a lot of prayers, prodding and pleading, the united airlines people booked us in a cincinnati-cleveland-los angeles flight in a different airline. that would give us only 50 minutes to board our connecting flight to singapore.

more bad luck came our way... delta airlines could not issue our boarding passes because we were lacking some documents that united airlines was supposed to give us. with very little time after our boarding passes were issued, we had to go through a "random check" with the airport security. we had to wait until they checked our bags thoroughly. we almost did not make it to the flight out of cincinnati, we were panting so hard when we reached our seats!

our flight out of cleveland was more relaxed, though. we had time to call singapore airlines to inform them that we would probably be late checking in for the flight in los angeles but the person we talked to said that she could not assure that the plane would wait for us. problem still not solved.

when we arrived in los angeles, we had to test our leg strength and our lung endurance again as we ran from the domestic to the international terminal. we actually tried to wait for a shuttle but it took too long, we decided to run instead. good thing we didn't have to pass through immigration at this point or else we would have missed the plane for sure! we took our seats exhausted but happy to have made it.

we were going home!

we thought we ran out of bad luck at this point but nooooo. we waited for our bags... but no sign of them until there were no bags left coming out of the conveyor. our bags were lost! well, not actually lost... they were still in singapore and we need to come back after 7 hours to get the bags. better than the other passengers who did not even know where their luggages were, i guess.

so much hassle getting home. but we're home... and that's all that matters.