finding someone

i was out with my college friend last wednesday and we got to talk about finding someone. he has been set up by another friend of his on a blind date. he said he was getting tired of those kinds of dates since they normally don't work. at least not for him.

i have never gone on a blind date because one, i have this fear of seeing disappointment in the other person's eyes and two, there is so much pressure when you're on a blind date. unless the person who set you up was asked to, normally that person would have seen something common between the two of you (hopefully, something more than being single) or something that would make him/her think that you would click. it's kind of daunting to think of the expectations when you're set up on a blind date. you're supposed to hit it off, have fun, fall in love and live happily ever after. but what if you don't?

i guess one of the biffest problems that i have with these kinds of dates is that i am not very good in doing "small talk". i listen. that is normally my role in these kinds of conversations. sure, i could hold my own for about 5-10 minutes. but after talking about work or the weather or how you're connected, that's probably it for me. of course it's different when i am with friends. but then again, you're not with friends when you're in a blind date.

my friend also said one thing that stuck with me. he said that he wanted someone that he could be bored with. at first, i was weirded out. why in hell would you want to be bored with someone? don't you go out with someone to have fun? he then explained that it was easy to be with another person when you're having fun and doing exciting things. however, that is not what happens everyday. he said he wants someone who he could just habg out and do simple stuff with (like cook dinner for her instead of eating out). and i agree. life isn't always fun and exciting. it would be great to find someone who knows how to enjoy and have fun but would still be happy with you during the boring times.

thinking of the future

a lot people are leaving and moving on with their lives. my college barkada are scattered all around the world --- bahrain, austria, new zealand and the u.s. officemates have resigned and moved to singapore and australia.

i once thought of leaving the country but it hasn't been for a while now. during my first project in my current company (which was almost 9 years ago), i got a chance to travel to sydney and actually fell in love with australia. it was the only country that i thought that i could leave the philippines for. after all this time, i am beginning to consider this again.

i've been to a lot of countries... and for that, i will always be grateful to my company. because of my work, i got to go to a lot of places and experienced a lot of things. and it has given me a better perspective of the world and has made me a more independent person.

i always thought that i would be staying here in the philippines. i love it here. and migrating to another country was not something i was considering. however, where i am in my life now is opening this idea once again. i will be in my mid-30s soon and i need to consider all aspects of my life. and i sometimes feel that some of the dreams that i have for myself might only be realized in another country. and it's not money, mind you. i've never been one to make money a priority in my life. i'd like to have more of it, sure. but it's not something that drives my decisions.

i've talked this through with friends, colleagues and workmates. hopefully, things will turn out well. *fingers crossed*

starting the year

start of the year. and really, i haven't done much retrospective thinking or any planning for the future. it might be because i am still in vacation mode and i don't want to do a lot of thinking these days. also because these days, thinking makes me reason and sometimes, it really doesn't help my state of being.

i was looking at my previous posts just to give me an insight on what happened last year. i've been remiss in my writing in this blog. i guess my problem is that i procrastinate a lot of times and then everything balloons up. instead of starting with the writing, i just don't write. period. i know it does not make sense but that was what i kept on doing. hopefully, i won't be doing that this year. (is that a resolution?)

this time last year, i was having the same shitty feeling. and nothing could put things into perspective than seeing it in black and white. makes me wonder how i got so... stupid. but i made an ultimatum and i'm sticking to it. so that goodbye really is final. (God help me if i back out of this again).

2008 was a year of challenges for me. ang dami kong trials when it came to work. it was my first time to lead an RTCIS project. halos duguin ako sa mga projects na hinawakan ko. i know i still have a lot to learn on being a project manager. and i am hoping that my experiences have taught me to be a better PM. i helped in creating an RFP. ang hirap din niya, especially when it has to be done immediately and of course, knowing what depends on what you produce. i am still awed by how good some of my teammates are. sometimes i wish i was that good as well. but most of the time, i am just proud of them. it was my first time to go outside of the account this year, too. it was my first glimpse on how true consulting work is. ang hirap din pala niya. it was a good experience, though. and that's not even couting the fact that because of it, i was able to go to france, italy and monaco. it's also my first time to lead a project out of emea. the nice thing about that is, i was recommended by our client manager to do the job. nakakataba rin ng puso knowing that people believe in what you can do. because of this, i was able to go to madrid and meet a lot of wonderful people.

on the personal side, i don't think i've progressed much. i went out with a couple of people, mostly for coffee. with one, i realized that there's no point in holding on to the ideas i had in the past when we've obviously changed a lot after 10 years. with the other, i realized that there's no point in holding on to possibilities of the future. karla was civilly married this year. unfortunately, i was not in the philippines for it. she gave birth to yuan patrick, an amazingly wonderful baby. thankfully, i was here for that one. yuan would always smile and make adorable sounds, you cannot help but fall in love with him. our family went to boracay for a vacation and to celebrate ate tetet and kuya weng's anniversary. it was a first for our family and we had loads of fun (especially during our foodtrips!). a couple of my friends and colleagues got married this year, too --- rolan and krizel, roland and lu, jay and ninay, myn and lloyd. i've also made contact with some friends from long ago (thanks in part to facebook... hehehe!)

overall, it's been a good year. a lot of challenges but a lot of blessings too. i am hoping that 2009 will be a better year for me, though. :)

ay ewan

nakaka-dismayang isipin na merong mga tao na kayang ipagpalit ang tama dahil lang sa pera. i don't want to seem holier-than-thou and i may be clueless to their reasons or i just never went through what they're undergoing. i may be too sheltered or protected in my life to understand. and i can't meld the idea that someone who's supposed to know better and you're supposed to look up to would be the one to do that. hay... di ko talaga maintindihan. o baka ayaw ko lang siyang intindihin.

new year rantings

ok, so it's not the best way to start the year... hell, it's a crappy way to start the year but it has started and i really did not have any control on how it turned out. the thing is, what happened today probably woke me up from this dream state that i am in. yeah, in-your-face-wake-up-because-you're-in-dreamland thing. it sucks but they always said that the truth hurts. serves me right.

so what am i to do? move on, dammit! i'm too old to go through another kawawa-naman-ako stage. i've been indulging too much on self pity and although i said that i won't be having any new year's resolution, this should probably be on my list.

yeah, happy new year to me.

the battle i fight within

self-pity is a battle i try to get through. although at times i try to act as if i am this confident woman-of-the-world who has come to terms with who she is, there are still instances when my insecurities come rising to the surface. even though i can probably hide it from the rest of the world, i can't fake it deep inside. and it wears me down.

i'll be ok. i know i'll be. this is just a bump in the road, something that has made me stumble but then i'll get on with my life. it's nobody's fault but mine anyway.

i don't want to be cynical. really. i want to look at life and still see the beauty in it. i want to look at the future and be excited and know that good things are in store for me. i need to believe that. and maybe that will get me through this.

a resolution

things are going to be different soon. i promise. i have told people repeatedly that events in your life will happen again and again until you have learned the life lesson it's supposed to bring. well, it seems i haven't learned my lesson. i am now resolved not to do it anymore. maybe then my life will change for the better.

elections

a couple of days ago, the barangay and sangguniang kabataan elections were held. we went to batangas to vote. as per usual, i asked my aunt who to vote for because i don't know the people who were running. one question still remains on my mind. are there still people running whose reason is simply to serve the people? in my heart of hearts, i am hoping that the answer to this question is yes. because if not, what is the point of voting? i don't want to vote simply to put "the lesser evil" in position. i'd like to think that there are still people out there who give part of themselves to help this country be better.

i just hope i am right.

like and love

a friend told me indirectly that i have no taste. in my defense, i think that speaks well of me since it shows that i consider personality more than i do looks, right? it's not as if i don't take looks into consideration. i'm not going to be self-righteous and say all those hulabaloo --- that what is inside is more important than what is outside ekek. this may be true but let's face it, it's part of the reason why we're attracted to someone. di ko rin naman minsan nage-gets kung bakit niya crush yung mga gusto niya. siguro, di lang talaga kami pareho ng taste ng kaibigan ko. good thing na rin yun. at least hindi kami mag-aagawan ng crush. hahaha! :)

***

i was asked to be the featured person in our company's newsletter. one of the question was, "do you remember your first love? (give details)". it made me think, who really do i consider as my first love? i've had huge crushes on people, so can i consider those? does it have to be reciprocated before you can call it love? when do you consider yourself in love?

i may have been in love twice. the first one, he may not have known. we were really close friends. he had a girlfriend then and although they were having problems then, i didn't want to be the one to break them up. i was even advising him on what to do to patch things up with his girlfriend. we parted ways after college and our lives just drifted apart eventually. i haven't heard from him for a while but i think he's happy.

the second time, he may have known. i think he did. but as the song goes, "life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok and everything's going right". he went to another country and things eventually went downhill from there. it turned out for the best and he's now happily married.

i have yet to find that happy-ever-after love. not the fairy tale kind, because i know that things are not always smooth sailing. but you know what i mean. in the event that it does not happen, then i have to accept it. but for now, let me wish and hope that it will.

a good decision after all

when my manager told me that i would be handling a project, i was both apprehensive and excited. i felt it was time for me to move on to something bigger but the idea of handling that big of a responsibility scared me. i agreed on the premise that i would never know if i could be a good project manager if i didn't try. this was the best opportunity for me to try project management since it was just a small project and one that i already have technical experience on.

it was harder than i initially thought it would be. i had to take care of the finances, the resourcing, planning and execution. i had to ensure that all the administrative tasks that was part of managing the project were being taken cared of as well. it was very tiring at the beginning, having to stay late in the office to try to make sense of everything i needed to do.

the one thing that i am very appreciative of is having a wonderful project team. i was apprehensive at first because the most senior in my team were hired last october while the most recent was allocated already even before she had her first day in the office. that was how young and inexperienced my team was. but as i've said over and over again, what my team lacked in experience, they more than made up for through their enthusiasm, perseverance and hard work. i could not have asked for a better team. melodramatic as it may sound, i am very honored and thankful to have worked with each one of them.

to raffy, melai, andrew, jade and mavie --- if there was ever a "rookie of the year" award, we would have won that hands down. thank you for making my first project very memorable. you guys are the best!

to janice and allan --- thank you for putting up with me. we'll get to that targetted green and eventually to that 100% compliance. :)

to riza, karla and jeff --- thanks for all your assistance! you're the support that helped us get to the finish line.

to jusel, perci, chuck and mylene --- thank you for your patience in helping me get through all the hurdles i had to face. we wouldn't have made it without you.

there's still another phase to go and we'll get to the end soon. go, kabaddi!

*sigh*

an old song that audrey asked me to listen to and it just struck a chord.

sometimes a love goes wrong
carrie lucas

i hate to say i'm leaving you
i wish to God that i could stay
things ain't right between us
not the way that used to be
the love we thought would last forever and a day
cannot be

cause sometimes a love goes wrong
sometimes a heart can fear love
sometimes a love goes wrong
just when you think you got it
sometimes a love goes wrong
sometimes a heart can fear love
sometimes a love goes wrong
just when you think you got it
look and love is gone

why did the feelings have to change
why couldn't it remain the same
where's the joy and laughter
and all the things that we once knew
i know that it´s so hard believin'
that we're through but it's true

cause sometimes a love goes wrong
sometimes a heart can fear love
sometimes a love goes wrong
just when you think you got it
look and love is gone

oh when a love is through
there ain't nothin' that you can do
when love comes along
look around it's gone
when love is gone you feel you can't go on
and the love you have found look around and it's gone
oh, what am i gonna do?

musings on the way home

it's been a long journey but i have finally reached the end.

it's amazing how what other people say can influence the way you think and how you perceive things. you sometimes end up creating an image in your head that's opposite from what's true and so detached from reality. but since it's fed into your system constantly, this illusion starts to become your reality. it is a hard battle to fight against it, especially if you'd rather stay in your own made-up world, where everything goes your way. but life has an interesting sense of humor. in an instant, your dream bubble bursts and you're thrown back to the reality the rest of the world knows. you sigh with disappointment but then it's also a relief when you realize soon afterwards that although you've been bruised, you escape in one piece. and then you know that reality is not so bad after all.

***

oh, and by the way, i am celebrating my fourth year in my current company. wooohooo!!! :) it's the longest i've ever stayed in a company and i am glad that it's with this one. what's more amazing is that i am actually looking forward to getting my "loyalty award" next year, very much the opposite of what we felt towards our previous company. happy 4th year anniversary to me! :)

serious musings

as i was going to work this morning, i thought of something... i've always imagined spending my life with someone. i guess being a romantic does that to you. i cherish every giddy feeling... those that i experience first hand and even those that i've felt through the stories of my friends. but after a while, i've trained myself not to dwell too much on the thought of a special someone. at the back of my head, though, i still think that maybe one day, what i want and what God has planned for me will coincide. so here's what i've been thinking... what if waiting for that person is setting myself up for disappointment. see, what if i was just too caught up with the idea of being in love that when someone comes along, i may think that i was in love even if i was not? wouldn't that be a recipe for eventual heartache? maybe that's the reason why i try to think things through before i let my feelings get the best of me. controlled emotions ba. on the other hand, i've been accused of over-analyzing things. i think too much daw. so i guess, it's possible 'no? feeling too much and thinking too much at the same time. hindi kaya sumabog ako nito?

wala lang. it's a scary thought that i might be setting myself up for disaster. this, even before anything has ever happened. i might be getting cynical.

no good for me

"i see a home in a quiet place
i see myself in a strong embrace
and i feel protection from the human race
it's not parental

but it's a fantasy, not a reality
and it's good, no, no good for me,
you have no idea

that i'm walking through the clouds
when you're looking at me
i'm feeling like a child
vulnerability
i am shaking like a leaf if you move beside me
and you're all that i see
but it's no good for me..."

- the corrs, talk on corners