i am with you too

i am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

i am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

we are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

i am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

we are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

i am the person who never knows which bathroom i should use if i want to avoid getting the management called on me.

i am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children i bore, nursed, and raised. the court says i am an unfit mother because i now live with another woman.

i am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

i am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because i am male.

i am the father who has never hugged his son because i grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

i am the person who feels guilty because i think i could be a much better person if i didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

i am the man who stopped attending church, not because i don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

i am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

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repost this if you believe homophobia or violence of any kind is wrong. was made known to me by rose's blog.

in limbo

i've been meaning to post about my decision for some time now but time is what i haven't had for the past month. well, the truth is, i haven't made any decisions yet. i have left it all to God. really.

see, i am supposed to be included in a project in the US. when our boss told me that my spot in the project is 100%, that was the time i had questions.

"do i really want this?"
"do i want to leave my current role?"
"is it really a good opportunity for me?"
"am i sure i want to start again?"

then my parents got really excited (together with the rest of my relatives) that i was indeed going to the US. my aunt in new york already has plans to visit me when i get there. and so i was looking forward to going myself. but days and weeks went by and there's still no one to replace me in my current role. i can't just pack up and leave the people i work with right now hanging.

so basically, i am in limbo. not sure if i am going or staying. i am leaving it all up to them. i'd rather not be stressed about it. after all, there's nothing i can do about it anyway.

single... for life?

i think i am getting old. and it's worrying my friends more than i am.

aren and i were talking about how we weren't able to celebrate birthdays in the office anymore. i suggested that we renew our monthly collection so that we can all chip in for birthday cakes for the celebrants. aren noted that i won't be here on my birthday because i am slated to go on a business trip that time.

aren: sayang, may ipapa-date pa naman sana kami sa iyo pagdating ng birthday mo
me: aren, kapag hindi totoo yan, lagot ka sa akin

so aren took my statement seriously and started thinking of guys she can pair me up with. came merienda, joey, sol, sarah and eric all knew about aren's plan. she was even listing qualities that the person has to have to be "qualified".

i didn't know if i would find it extremely amusing or utterly embarrasing!

most of the time, i don't mind being single. my life is fulfilling enough as it is. but sometimes, you cannot help but think about it. like when you're with your barkada with everyone else bringing their partners. or when your aunt is seriously considering setting you up with someone 12 years your senior. or when the whole clan is asking when you will have a boyfriend because all your other siblings (younger ones at that) already have one.

i remember asking eden if it is possible to have a vocation you don't want. i was wondering if i am meant to be single when i do want to have a family. she said that it's probably not going to happen if i don't want my life to take that path. but really, that conflicts with what my mom once said. that you might be fighting a calling that God wants for you --- and eventually, you just have to give in.

so what really is my vocation? i don't know. i guess only time will really tell.

tick tock

things are developing so fast, i have to catch my breath. i am in the middle of a big decision... a decision i would soon have to make. why can't things be simple? my mind is in such turmoil, i just want to stop for a moment to see if the chaos would somehow subside.

but it doesn't.

my prayers are now filled with asking for help from Him to discern what is the best path for me to walk on. i hope my prayers will be answered soon because really, i'm running out of time.

the sun will come up tomorrow

it's been a looooong and tiring day... it seemed like everyone needed something from me all at once. i wanted to go, "prrrrrt! stop! one sh*tty problem at a time!".

i left the office at around 830 pm with an unsolved issue because the person who raised it left without so much as a goodbye. and that is, after i pestered gene and asked him to help me with it thinking that it was urgent. aaargh! and may i just say that the reason for it was not because what we set up was not working... it was because they were not following processes that they were informed to do!

and then there was this request that we were expecting to come through at 5 pm. i wouldn't have minded it that much had it been just for me. but jocy needed that setup to be moved in our test system and up to now, it was not there!

how come there are days when you seem to be really free and relaxed and time just seemed so slow? and why are there days like these wherein even ten hours of work doesn't seem to be enough to finish everything that you're supposed to?

i am crossing my fingers that things will be better tomorrow.

is it really greener on the other side?

for a while now, i have been asking my boss to give me SAP projects. it's been a while since i've done that and i miss working with my teammates. geeky as it may sound, i miss doing configurations and seeing them work. there is one biiiiiig project, coming in a few months, and i have expressed my intent on being on that team. the reason why i want to be on it is that (1) it's a big project so the role that my module will have will also be significant and (2) the project manager heading it is the same one i worked with in my australia project.

when my manager talked to me yesterday about training a new person for my new role (since i cannot do both my current role and be on that big project), i suddenly had some antagonistic feeling. not toward my manager but toward the situation. a situation i put myself in. *sigh* i was suddenly feeling selfish about what i was doing. i wasn't ready to part with it. it's just been a year since i started and it took me a lot of time and effort to learn all these things. i told jose about it as he was the one i was always sharing my work-related dilemmas with. he asked me to think of what i really wanted, what my goals were, where did i want to go eventually. and the truth is, i haven't looked that far ahead. i was fairly happy with what came my way.

the decision on whether i am giving up the role (and who i am transferring it to, if ever) has been postponed until next year. so for now, i don't have to think about the dilemma i am in. hopefully, things would get resolved before that so i don't have to make the difficult decision myself.

oooouch!

i've already written about sa pagitan ng ngayon at kailanman, gary granada's newest album. but i had to create a separate post for this song. it's soooo heartbreaking! i felt like i was going to cry when i heard it. the same feeling i had for broken vow and not me, not i. read on so you'll know what i am talking about

====================

pinaasa mo ang puso ko

pinaasa mo ang puso ko, binigyan mo ng pakpak
at ako'y nangarap ng husto, nilipad hanggang ulap
pinaikot mo'ng aking mundo at bundok ay nilakbay
sa akalang ating pagsuyo sa tuktok naghihintay
at ako ay halos mamatay-matay

pinaasa mo ang puso ko
pinaikot mo'ng aking mundo
ng wala naman palang mapapala
pinaasa mo lang ang puso ko sa wala

pinaasa mo ang puso ko, binigyan mo ng sagwan
at sa laot na mapanukso, sa ilalim ng iyong buwan
pinaikot mo'ng aking mundo hanggang ang aking bangka
natigatig at nangabubo, tumaob, tumihaya
at nalunod na pati kaluluwa

pinaasa mo ang puso ko
pinaikot mo'ng aking mundo
ng wala naman palang mapapala
pinaasa mo lang ang puso ko

di ka na naawa, di ka na nahabag
di na rin nagsawa, puso kong bulag
di malaman kung matapang o duwag

pinaasa mo'ng aking dibdib, binigyan mo ng sulo
at tinahak ko ang iyong yungib sa isipan kong hubo
pinaikot mo'ng aking daigdig at mundo ko'y gumalaw
upang sa masukal mong liblib, duon pala ililigaw
at wala naman palang ako't ikaw

pinaasa mo ang puso ko
pinaikot mo'ng aking mundo
ng wala naman palang mapapala
pinaasa mo lang ang puso ko sa wala, sa wala
pinaasa mo lang ang puso ko sa wala


====================

surprisingly, it's actually upbeat and not your typical slow and soulful love song. maybe it being in filipino made the difference.

i broke my "promise"

i did say i was going to buy janno gibbs' album this month. but i guess i am in gary granada-mania mode and so i bought his recently released album, sa pagitan ng ngayon at kailanman.

i first heard about this from dette-dette. i was asking for mp3's of gary granada's other songs aside from the ones i have and one of her emails contained the lyrics of the song of the same title. i could so relate to the song that i vowed to buy the album. and now i have one.



it contained some songs that are also included in the album i previously bought but i don't care. his songs are so honest you can relate to them, they are interesting and funny you can't help but laugh. again, here are some snippets of my favorite songs in the album:

pampalipas ng sama ng loob

...ako ang bayani ng mga bigo. di nagtatampo, di naglalaro, di naninibugho. ako'y walang puso't damdamin, di kailangang malaman mo pa. nakahanda na maglingkod kahit tingin mo pa sa akin pansamantala, pampalipas ng sama ng loob.

sa pagitan ng ngayon at kailanman

...ngunit paano kung ang hinahanap mong ligaya ay nagkataong nalaman mong naroon pala sa magkabilang mundong magsinghalaga sa iyo? paano mananatiling totoo? ang galak at dalamhati ay paano hahatiin?...

babadap-badap - this is really funny!

...sabi nga ng tatay kong macho, dapat bugbugin ang tulad ko. sabi ng mga relihiyoso, pupunta ako sa impyerno. ang bigat-bigat na ngang dalhin ay natatawa ka pa sa akin. o baka naman bading ka rin, nahihiya ka lang aminin. di nila matanggap kaya ako'y nagpapanggap. ang sidhi at ang saklap ng puso kong babadap-badap...

buy! buy the album!!!

uh-oh

i was talking to my aunts yesterday in batangas when tita eva told us that venisse, her 11-year old first born received a rose from her classmate. oh. my. goodness. it's bad that all my younger siblings had boyfriends/girlfriends before i did. but a 16-year difference is waaaaay too much.

i am in deep trouble.

the name fits

we were down 7 points with 1:46 left in the game. dad was taunting me, saying that UST was going to win. i didn't care. i was used to UP being the underdog. i turned back to my pc to surf the internet, peeking at times at the tv hoping that somehow UP wouldn't lose by much. or even win.

as UP went up by one point, i started screaming and cheering and forgot all about the internet. UST regained the lead as they sunk their own basket. then lo and behold! a three-point shot by UP! at this point, i was dancing around already as the clock went ticking by. a lone foul shot sealed the game and the win for the fighting maroons.

we may not be the best team in the UAAP, but we sure are one team that goes on fighting.