i normally don't listen to the radio when i am driving home as my ipod is the one that is usually keeping me company. today, however, i did not feel the urge to open my ipod. i thought some silence will do me good. at one point, however, i thought of opening my radio. and this is the first song that played...

almost lover

you fingertips against my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind
images

you sang me spanish lullabies
the sweetest sadness in your eyes
clever trick

i never want to see you unhappy
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
i should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

we walked along a crowded street
you took my hand and danced with me
images

and when you left you kissed my lips
you told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

i never want to see you unhappy
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
i should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

i cannot go to the ocean
i cannot drive the streets at night
i cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind
so you're gone and i'm haunted
and i bet you are just fine
did i make it that easy for you
to walk right in and out of my life?

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
i should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

a prayer answered

i was still not feeling like my usual self when i thought of reading today's gospel.

matthew 7, 7-12

ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. for everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish? if you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him. do to others whatever you would have them do to you. this is the law and the prophets.

ang galing talaga ni Lord! saktong sakto!

the candle burned out

i think i may have been working too hard.

i had a minor breakdown today. i was feeling the pressure of having to finish the RFP that we needed to submit, the setups that i needed to finish for an initiative that i didn't want to get involved in and the requirements we needed to have our changes moved to production. i tried to look for a room to go to just to have a break but i could not find one. i went back to my seat and put my head on my desk. i was just feeling soooo tired. then someone patted my back asking if i was ok. and that's when i started to cry. i think all the stress and pressure finally caught up with me. i was hoping i could stop crying and pretend that nothing bad happened but the tears just kept on coming. i went to the ladies room to release all the tension.

darn. this is not how i wanted things to go. i think i need to rethink my priorities.

q-pd-s

today was supposed to be a fun night but it didn't turn out that way. it's sad.

on another note, i'd like to thank all my friends who showed their full and unwavering support these past few days:

aaron, bj, ronram, ronald, tans - my pd supporters
sol, sarah, maj - my coffee sponsors who did not just give coffee this time
eric and ryann - up to the last minute!
christa, krizzie, rolan, aren, bourbon - mga imports ko!

and most especially

aj, auds and alice - ang mga nangikil, nagmakaawa at nagpilit sa mga tao na iboto kami

salamat, salamat, salamat... ibang level ang suporta niyo, wala akong masabi. sobrang touched ako. it did not only provide a lot of entertainment (and funds) but it really showed me how i could depend on you, even in the smallest of things.

i love you all!

oh, and i loved the flowers, by the way. :)

yin and yang

thoughts as i was shopping yesterday, saved in my cellphone

"haaay... it's a very humbling experience. although i don't think i'm even proud to begin with. really, it's now a challenge for me to take it all in stride and not let it affect me. my goodness, i thought i was too old for this insecurity thing but i guess i was wrong."

***

i was watching sop this afternoon when they sang songs of the people who had performed here in manila last year --- chicago, christina aguillera, elliott yamin, taylor hicks, beyonce. kyla sang listen by beyonce and she was amazing! i don't normally blog about these things but she was really great. she was definitely at a different league than her contemporaries.

way to go, kyla!

numb and helpless

today is not a very good day. the year really is not starting too well for me. but this time it's not about me. i am just part of the story.

i think i'm still in shock. i'm not feeling too much. and i am not thinking either. i might have gone numb. or forced myself to go numb without actually meaning to. is this my way of coping with things? i might be tucking all these in the pockets of my mind to be stored away and then dealt with when i already can. maybe i need a shrink. hahaha!

some things do really come up when you least expect them. and to the most unexpected people, no less! i still can't understand how this all happened. well technically, i know how it happened but still...

it's a difficult time but again, i'm just a mere part of the story. if this was turned into a movie, i'm probably be supporting the supporting cast. so i can just imagine how hard it is for all the main players. and really, i don't have much control about the situation. i'm leaving it all up to Him now.

dang! this helpless thing is not really my cup of tea. i hate it when it happens.

new year rantings

ok, so it's not the best way to start the year... hell, it's a crappy way to start the year but it has started and i really did not have any control on how it turned out. the thing is, what happened today probably woke me up from this dream state that i am in. yeah, in-your-face-wake-up-because-you're-in-dreamland thing. it sucks but they always said that the truth hurts. serves me right.

so what am i to do? move on, dammit! i'm too old to go through another kawawa-naman-ako stage. i've been indulging too much on self pity and although i said that i won't be having any new year's resolution, this should probably be on my list.

yeah, happy new year to me.

christmas celebrations and gift-giving

christmas for the past n years has been celebrated in the arco household for the marasigan clan. during christmas eve, we hear mass together, eat noche buena and have our exchange gift. the whole clan, together with the household and sometimes with friends, are included.

when i started working, i also started to buy gifts for everyone --- my immediate family, my titos, titas, cousins, and eventually for my brother-in-law and pamangkins. it's a tradition by itself. and every year, although i get stressed out thinking and trying to find my gifts, i more or less get something for everyone.

so here's my list this year:
- necklaces from india for my sisters
- silk scarves from india for my mom and my titas
- aftershave for my titos
- banana peel flip-flops for kuya reggie, kuya ronald, kuya jay and paolo (cousins)
- bangles from india for ate bea, ate venisse and via
- a journal from karton, still for bea
- a friendship bracelet activity kit, still for ate venisse and via
- optimus prime and megatron toys for franco
- cinderella baby for sofia
- perfume from bench for yaya cel (my "baby" in our kris kringle)
- and and ipod touch for kuya aljo (together with ate karla and ate faye)

the ipod touch is a christmas-new year-birthday gift altogether with kuya aljo. i was supposed to get a phone from smart for my retention plan when i saw that they also offered an ipod touch. we still had to shell out some money but it seemed to be a good deal. during the last couple of days leading to christmas, aljo was asking if i was getting the itouch. he said he wanted me to get it so he can borrow it from me (since i recently got my ipod). so that's how we thought of giving him the itouch for christmas.

we were supposed to buy a pair of rubber gloves and give that as our fake gift. but we were not able to get the itouch that day. second option was to give a gift certificate with the "congratulations! you won an ipod touch!". we were bent on doing that until i saw the free pencils from banana peel. i bundled the pencils and wrote on the outside, "dear aljo, merry christmas! you are entitled to..." i had one pencil in the middle reading "one ipod touch. love, ate inah, ate karla, ate faye and mom". i even asked aljo to bind the pencils together before i wrote on them.

come gift-giving time, i gave him the wrapped pencils. he laughingly said he knew what was inside. and then he proceeded to read the message. i told him to check what was in the middle pencil. when he did, he said "ito na ang pinakamahal na pencil sa buong mundo".



it was really a fun night. we even had champagne to cheer the great year we had and to welcome the new one ahead.

merry christmas everyone!

secrets

there are times when you have to decide whether or not to speak. because once you say something, you cannot get it back. it's already out there.

it took me a while to share something to two of my closest friends. why? i really don't know. maybe it's just too close to home. all of my other friends knew. but they would not be able to relate to what i say, no matter how hard they try. and in a way, it was easier for me to tell it to them for the same reason.

it's now out in the open. at least to them. and i think it's good i did not keep my mouth shut this time.

because you seem so distant

am i happy that things are changing now? parang hindi. although i know that in the long run, i will benefit from all of these. parang preparation for the things to come. it's still an ego thing, dammit. sabi ko nga sa sarili ko nung nagda-drive ako minsan pauwi, it's hard to believe things that my friends say when everything else proves otherwise.

i really have to train myself not to feel so much.